Brain in a jar would be handy.
I'm still trying to sort out touch language. I feel mistrustful towards my body. I don't know where my hands will go or what they'll say to who. To be impulsive in speech is one thing but entering the body bubble is a different sphere.
When I feel very natural with someone I'm afraid of messing up.
Maybe I should experiment on distances with strangers I'll never see again. ;)
I used to try to have casual conversations from over an arm's length away. I rarely initiated touch, even up until 2003. It's much easier to reciprocate than initiate but I'm learning to ask if its ok. I don't know why I find it so scary. Maybe I do. The recoil response is so ugly and I have thousands of iterations of that response to my touch. People moving into my touch is a tiny percent, although growing.
I don't want to trouble people or get in over my head. Perhaps neither outcomes are likely. The only thing likely to carry is my nervousness about making a mistake which gets overlaid over the fondness that motivates a desire to touch. It seems an unfair withholding to not show comfort. It's a self-consciousness that is selfish.
In a postmortem of an event, I recounted to myself who I touched, where and how.
a dozen people I made no tactile contact with.
C, I hugged close as hello and goodbye
G I kept gesturing towards, as if to touch arm but didn't make contact
S I visualized touching back or arm of but I didn't
B I touched the head and shoulders of with palm
R I touched the shoulders, upper and lower back, waist, stomach with hands and hugged
R2 I didn't touch
J I moved aside by putting hands on his hips twice
The last was most startling. That was rather intimate for public. S & G most frustrating.
Do I think I'll throw myself at someone and thereby be taken to a public square and be stoned?
Earlier in the year I realized I was sitting sideways and my knees resting against someone's thighs. There was no startle reflex, no apparent discomfort nor delight caused but my rules for what is too familiar or acceptable are in flux.
she bought herself xmas pajamas, but tried them on at home. they didn't fit. she wondered since they are a xmas present if she'd have to wait until after xmas to exchange them.
was that a straight-faced joke or ?
every time I go to use iTunes, I need to update the software
every tiem I go to play music the speaker is arranged differently, thru some wireless port change, or some other way to plug them in.
maybe I should just go sit in the car to hear music.
music other than hour 7 of my neighbour's electric guitar practice that is.
can you handle root canal humour? Montessorri school jokes?
suppose that last was a poor note to leave out in the world as a final thought.
I've realize how much impact the last 6 years have had -- a lot of life changes that show up on stress chart of life stressors -- changed town, changed most everyone I know, loss of 2 aunts and an uncle, health scares with a few more (4 living on oxygen and 3 with cancer), death of a career, moving from another forever home, contact from a former stalker that knocked me for a loop, death of 2 pets and a parent and 2 grandparents, post career change depression. I'm still reeling from one concussive impact when the next arrives. I've gained 40 pounds over the decade and cardio now officially sucks.
and yet there's been good. I can think of 5 people whose hand on back or shoulder or whose hug at critical times held me together with weeks worth of glue in just a few seconds or minutes.
my inner talk is better. my body is treating me better, injuries healing and, unforeseeably, arthritis being less even though winter cold would normally increase creakiness. I am absorbed in many projects. home life hasn't been this good for 15 years.
I have a wider social network and on the strength of time accrued. i have some sense that I can say some things without being left at the curb. and if I am left at the curb, socially, it will heal or it won't, but its out of my control. their loss and I can make my way.
my sense of self-reliance is higher. i don't try to please others as I had, believing the fundamental flakiness that rules most time and that I can only care about people to the degree I do. I can't stop being fond of someone nor start. how they feel is their domain that I can't impact. and feelings are overrated. thinking is overrated. actions matter and effect not intent. we are in a vat of ignorance and fragile tough ragdolls, all.
this is the first year in memory that I've not waited for something exponentially better around the curb, or else sweet death. out of the mire is a life wish. breaking clear of romanticism is humbler what is.
when all I can think about is drinking a homeopathic-scale dose lets me move on. when I can only think about sex, porn doesn't help at all.
not that the internetz sez is authoratively conclusive but kicking around in my head under where'd that come from was this idea:
American science fiction writer and founder of the Church of Scientology L. Ron Hubbard uses his Hubbard Electrometer to determine whether tomatoes experience pain, 1968. His work led him to the conclusion that tomatoes "scream when sliced."
no? really? Hubbard huh?
ok, I'm tentatively back. I have a new keyboard. typing is a bit odd. I keep hitting keys I don't expect but it should help the whole tendonitis of hands thing.
saw this inverse of paradigm of rape responsibility
http://www.realadultsex.com/archives/2009/09/shayne-austins-cool-inversion-of-the-usual-victim-.html
humourous and accurate
and here, also from Figleaf is most memorable kisses
http://thewomenscolony.com/bedroom/2009/9/13/the-g-spot-five-kisses-by-kizz.html
wonder if I could write of the comparable so well.
mental or physical swoon seem to sweep thru the best ones.
of which there was one this morning.
oh, that's what rubbery legs is. have I felt that before? perhaps not for as long, if ever.
I'll basically be away from office for the next 7 weeks. egad. that's almost two months.
but don't expect the worst, of me to be dead or anything bad.
and no worries folks if I don't come visiting.
oh my
http://www.youtube.com/user/WilliamShatner
Jenna Jameson on Shatner's Sexiness
