suppose that last was a poor note to leave out in the world as a final thought.
I've realize how much impact the last 6 years have had -- a lot of life changes that show up on stress chart of life stressors -- changed town, changed most everyone I know, loss of 2 aunts and an uncle, health scares with a few more (4 living on oxygen and 3 with cancer), death of a career, moving from another forever home, contact from a former stalker that knocked me for a loop, death of 2 pets and a parent and 2 grandparents, post career change depression. I'm still reeling from one concussive impact when the next arrives. I've gained 40 pounds over the decade and cardio now officially sucks.
and yet there's been good. I can think of 5 people whose hand on back or shoulder or whose hug at critical times held me together with weeks worth of glue in just a few seconds or minutes.
my inner talk is better. my body is treating me better, injuries healing and, unforeseeably, arthritis being less even though winter cold would normally increase creakiness. I am absorbed in many projects. home life hasn't been this good for 15 years.
I have a wider social network and on the strength of time accrued. i have some sense that I can say some things without being left at the curb. and if I am left at the curb, socially, it will heal or it won't, but its out of my control. their loss and I can make my way.
my sense of self-reliance is higher. i don't try to please others as I had, believing the fundamental flakiness that rules most time and that I can only care about people to the degree I do. I can't stop being fond of someone nor start. how they feel is their domain that I can't impact. and feelings are overrated. thinking is overrated. actions matter and effect not intent. we are in a vat of ignorance and fragile tough ragdolls, all.
this is the first year in memory that I've not waited for something exponentially better around the curb, or else sweet death. out of the mire is a life wish. breaking clear of romanticism is humbler what is.